Wolverine

With the White Sox losing a heartbreaking extra inning affair, I feel like a distraction. Let's go to the movies!

Anyone who knows me well enough, knows that I am a huge movie buff. I have a custom shelf in my living room that takes up almost the entire wall. It is filled with movies. I like all genres. I will watch anything twice.

I have a confession to make. I have absolutely zero interest in seeing the Wolverine movie. None whatsoever. I like Hugh Jackman. I think he makes a wonderful Wolverine. I like Wolverine. I have ever since I was a kid.

Truthfully, I like the idea of X-Men better than the reality of X-Men. I always thought that they were the coolest looking mutants, but I could never get hooked into the stories for whatever reason. That didn't stop me from collecting the comics as a kid.

Wolverine was my favorite X-Men. Still is, as a matter of fact. I just don't read, watch or collect him. I have my memories from my youth. That's enough to satisfy me. The only comic that I enjoyed was the one-off comic of Wolverine Vs. Spider-Man. It was enough to keep my faith in the coolness of the Wolverine character, but not enough to make me return down that path.

I may watch this movie when it hits cable, but I have no intention in paying extra money to see the movie. I loathe movies that have style, but no substance. This seems to be one of those movies. I'm not alone in thinking that. Famed film critic Roger Ebert is not a huge fan of the movie either. It mostly has to do with the historical inaccuracies. That would drive me batty too.

Some of my favorite excerpts from Ebert's review.

He is about 175 years old, he apparently stopped changing when he reached Hugh Jackman's age, and neither he, nor we, find out how he developed such an interesting mutation.

Wouldn't that be the whole point of an origin movie?

Their story starts in "1840 -- the Northwest Territories of Canada," a neat trick, since Canada was formed in 1867, and its Northwest Territories in 1870. But you didn't come here for a history lesson. Or maybe you did, if you need to know that Logan and Victor became Americans (still before they could be Canadians) and fought side by side in the Civil War, World War I, World War II and Vietnam. Why they did this, I have no idea. Maybe they just enjoyed themselves.

A blatant historical inaccuracy, like the Northwest Territories in Canada in 1840 snafu would ruin everything that came after it for me. I have Canadian relatives. I don't like them being dissed like that.

At least, you hope, he has an interesting vulnerability? I'm sure X-Men scholars can tell you what it is, although since he has the gift of instant healing, it's hard to pinpoint. When a man can leap from an exploding truck, cling to an attacking helicopter, slice the rotor blades, ride it to the ground, leap free and walk away (in that ancient cliche where there's a fiery explosion behind him but he doesn't seem to notice it), here's what I think: Why should I care about this guy? He feels no pain and nothing can kill him, so therefore he's essentially a story device for action sequences.

This is the problem I have with most "action" movies. The script starts with amazing action scenes and the dialogue is written specifically to get to the next action sequence. I have nothing against action sequences or popcorn movies, but this movie appears to try to please everyone, while pleasing almost no one.

But wait! -- you say. Doesn't "X-Men Origins" at least provide a learning experience for Logan about the origins of Wolverine? Hollow laugh. Because we know that the modern Wolverine has a form of amnesia, it cannot be a spoiler for me to reveal that at the end of "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," he forgets everything that has happened in the film.

So... essentially what Ebert is telling me here is that there is absolutely no reason for this film to exist. A gigantic middle finger has been lifted high and proud to the audience. The next Wolverine movie will not need any connection to this one because the main character doesn't need to know anything that happened in this movie. In the immortal words of the Church Lady, "How convenient".

Instead of wasting my time and money at this movie, I will pop in the cult eighties classic, Red Dawn, and watch some Wolverines that can provide a little depth and emotional attachment, no matter how Brat Packy it gets.