Friday, October 22, 2010

Card Spotlight: 10-22-10

1991 Toys R Us #25 - Scott Radinsky

I'm not really in a writing mood today, so we'll get the short-short version. Do you? Do you? Good. You're married. Kiss her.

Wait. Wrong thing. Druish princess I knew once finally got married that way. The less said the better. After the honeymoon things got too animated and childish.

Speaking of childish things, does anyone remember when Toys R Us actually made and distributed their own cards? No? Well, there just happens to be ancient evidence of a family of giraffes, named Geoffrey, Gigi, Baby Gee and Junior, making and distributing cards of MLB players for years before the ASPCA came in and discovered that the giraffes were luring small children into stores specifically to add specimens to a "People Zoo" by tantalizing them with shiny objects and promises of MLB rookies. The children were saved, but most could not be fully rehabilitated. Those who could not be given a full recovery work in a comatose state, making duvet covers for the Martha Stewart Collection at the princely sum of two dollars a cover.

Scott Radinsky is shown on his card rocking out to please the giraffe overlords. In reality, he was sending coded messages to the Coast Guard, who relayed the information to a mute ninja, who had an "in" with a Cajun man that had a penchant for wearing unbuttoned baby blue vests without an undershirt. This mustachioed ragin' Cajun gave this information to a wannabe rapper from Biloxi, who in turn translated the code into a recipe and gave it to his uncle, who is in the restaurant game. This uncle made meals that were picked up by unruly types with cycles and ray guns, who delivered the meals to twin brothers that owned the giraffes favorite hangout. A low level employee then served the specially prepared meals to the family of giraffes. Three of the four giraffes died from the deadly meal. The fourth, Geoffrey, hid underground after the attack. His plans for a human zoo were foiled, but the danger still persists.

Scott Radinsky was an unsung hero. The world was saved from takeover by psychologically disturbed ruminants. Baseball card production by Toys R Us was halted after the incident. But we still have these artifacts to preserve the memory and serve as a reminder not to entrust the sanctity of corporate logos to animals.

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