The Adventures Of Dino Boy

"Hey, dinosaur!", screamed Carl Everett. "Get away from Quagmire! You're not real!"

But the dinosaur would not listen. It tried to eat Quagmire after he was attacked by wheelchair ninjas, black Nazis and evil pots and pans robots.

You see, while Carl Everett believed in wheelchair ninjas, black Nazis and evil pots and pans robots, he did not believe in dinosaurs.

How about it Carl, did dinosaurs exist?

"Didn't exist. God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex."

How do you explain the bones left behind?

"Made by man."

How were they made by man?

"You can make bones in the lab nowadays. And every year they come out with a different dinosaur movie, so does that mean that that dinosaur existed? A lot of things are being made that you would never see walk on this Earth."

OK, forget about things walking on Earth. Did man walk on the moon?

"Yeah, that could have happened. It's possible. That is something you could prove. You can't prove dinosaurs ever existed. I feel it's far-fetched."

If man can walk on the moon, couldn't dinosaurs have actually existed?

"Nope. And that never will change. First of all, paleontologists don't believe one another on their own discoveries. How can I believe in people who don't even believe in it themselves? And biblically, there's no mention of dinosaurs. According to the word of the Bible, Adam had dominion over all animals; according to man, dinosaurs ruled the Earth. So either God's a liar, or well, I don't believe that God's a liar."

So, if dinosaurs aren't real, why do scientists say that they did exist?

"Why would they say a lot of things that aren't real? That's the thing, no one thinks for themselves. If everybody would think logically, then they would come to their own conclusions. That's what I do."

Fascinating. What conclusions can you come up with about the people who pay to see you play baseball?

"Fan is short for fanatic, he's crazy about something he really doesn't know about. And it's proven that 99 percent of baseball fans have no idea what they're watching."

Really? I would say that every major league player is a fan of baseball. You played in New York. What's your opinion of the Mets?

"All those people are hypocrites and idiots."

How about the other side of town. The Yankees. What do you think of Derek Jeter?

"Not a star."

Well, New York is one of the largest cities in the world. What do you think of big cities?

"Hate 'em. I need space."

I can see your point. One of the biggest issues in baseball the past few years is steroids. What kind of effect is steroids having on the kids who watch their idols use drugs?

"We have a war going on, I have family in that war, yet we're talking about steroids. If everybody in the world got on steroids, we'll still lose more kids to a war than we will from steroids."

That's an interesting point of view. Jose Canseco seemed to have stirred things up with his first book. What would you say to Jose?

"He is a bitter, ignorant individual."

That's one way of looking at it, I suppose. What do you think of Barry Bonds? His name is probably the biggest name attached to the steroids scandal.

"I eat pieces of poop like him for breakfast."

You eat pieces of poop for breakfast?

"It's better than pieces of dinosaur."

Every quote from the question and answer portion was an actual quote from Carl Everett. I formed the questions to reflect similar questions that were asked to Carl that formed these answers. Pretty scary answers, huh?